I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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