This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
