I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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