happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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