I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
