we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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