I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
