i can't believe i had my finger in that
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Randomize
