I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
