What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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