i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize