The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
