I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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