captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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