I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize