I need to stop coming to work sober
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
