i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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