I just pynch a tree in the face
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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