I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
