Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
