the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
