It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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