I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
