Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
