Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
