my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
