Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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