and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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