Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
