I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
