Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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