who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
