I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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