hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
People with herpes should wear stickers.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
