I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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