Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
