how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
