i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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