He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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