If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
