youre lurking in front of me
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
