I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I am mentally ready for anal.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
