I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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