I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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