Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
