I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
