I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Randomize
