I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
