Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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