About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
