I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize