I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
