I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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