Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
