Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize