Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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