If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
