About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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